The January Toil- A reminder for my own mama heart

 January- the month that feels the grayest, the emptiest, and yet the one that causes me to toil away and plan ahead to try and fill the deep void in my heart. The void that says another year has passed and those little ones, whom I love with all my being, are one year closer to growing and going. My idle fingers find the keys on my computer, and I begin searching. I search for the next trip, the next adventure, the next void filler- one that will surpass our dreams and one that will hopefully achieve the impossible- the one that makes time stand still- if even for a moment. So, I fill my brain and eventually my calendar and then my heart full of expectations. I fill it with things of buying and things of doing to satisfy- and the striving fills the void for a moment. 

So how does one do it then? How does one actually live in the moment and not allow the tiny moments to pass us by while trying to fill the big moments? One of the bravest things a mother can do is face the truth of what God has called her to do and how He has called her to love- with hands and hearts wide open. Open to His plans- open to truth- open to trust- to trust Him- to trust His plan, His timing, and this process of living which He created. 

Everything in my being wants to find a way to do the impossible- a way to slow time down- a way to stop the growing and changing and leaving and breaking of the heart- but in doing so I rob myself of the greatest gift of all- which is simply being held by Him. He is the one holding all those changing and breaking and growing things together, and He is the one holding me together. His plans are good-both for me and for my children- and if I believe that then I also must believe that even though it feels as if moments are passing me by and slipping from my fingers- they are actually just being deposited into a greater work- and into a greater plan that will live forever in God's kingdom. 

So, by the grace of God- may I turn my January toiling into January trusting. By the grace of God- may I allow myself to enjoy the days- day by day- and may I place my great Hope in the story and plans He has for me. By the grace of God may I release the knuckle white grip on the lives of those whom I love and allow my hands to open to all He has in store for us. 

The Upside Down Christmas

 When I think about the counterintuitiveness of the this big great story God has written it takes my breath away. When I gaze upon my savior, upon the Kingdom He has built from the nothingness, I can only marvel and it calls my soul to worship. His Kingdom is not one among many- it is The Kingdom- and it's an upside down one. I have heard it said that the Bible is full of contradictions. I would counter that. The Bible is not full of contradictions but of upside downs- nonsensicals- miracles. 

This upside down Kingdom is one where the least will become the greatest- where death gives way to life- where losing is actually gaining. 

If this Kingdom is upside down than it is only fitting that so too is that true of Christmas. 

Only in this Kingdom does God himself come down and humble himself to the lowliest of places in the lowliest of ways so that He can be the way for all to come unto Him. Only in this Kingdom does He choose to proclaim His good news to the Shepherds first- to the ones who were shamed and outcast. And if He came for the Shepherds than surely He came for the rich and the religious too- and for the ones who were eagerly awaiting His arrival and for those who had no idea of their great need for Him. Only in an upside down Christ-is-with-us- does He place himself into a womb- a trough- a swaddling of cloth. He thrusts himself into the very depths of humanity and vulnerability so that in His coming an everlasting light for the world is born. 

And if His coming to us was upside down then so too was His death for us. A cross He did not deserve but chose to submit to- a grave that could not contain Him- a coming again for those who believe and receive Him. None of it makes sense and it all seems too full of glory and goodness to be true. Upside down wrapped in humility were the bookends of Jesus' life. 

So in the places in your life that look a little upside down- a little messy-or maybe a lot- pain filled and grief stained- look for Him- He is there. He came that way, He died that way- He is there to be the way for you. 

We don't need more perfect Christmases. We desperately need this upside down Christmas- for in it and through it- He sets everything right-side-up- for all of eternity. 

Opportunities Among Us- A Camp of Salt and Light

Many things are among us right now- school closings, food and toilet paper shortages, travel bans, and of course the virus that seems to be growing that we still don't know that much about. There is this energy in the air- similar to that feeling of "snow is coming" except for many they are not experiencing the joyous waiting of snow or something exciting on the horizon. Many are waiting, watching, scrolling, and updating phones every few minutes to see the new totals and new closings that will interrupt our days.There seems to be two camps right now- the camp of "panic" and the camp of "no big deal." What if there is a third camp to consider? What if there is a camp, that we as believers, could recognize and stand firm in together? A camp where we look at the upheaval of all things normal and speak towards it with the truth that Jesus is still sitting on his throne. Jesus is not surprised or concerned or wondering how this is all going to work out. He did not get up off his throne and begin pacing the streets of gold wondering what is to be done. He could sweep us up and out of here in an instant if he so chose- and the fact that he hasn't says that there are still assignments that need our attention.

The way I see it- we have an unprecedented opportunity in front of us- a gift really. We, as The Church, have been given the chance to show our neighbors, our coworkers, and our children what it can look like to adhere to wise recommendations honorably while still not giving into a spirit of fear and hysteria. If we proclaim that all of our hope is in Jesus- then let's live in a way that demonstrates that. Let's spur one another onward and upward into the calling of royal sons and daughters and seek to love our neighbors well.

Let's take the time to read the name tag of the employee at Publix and use his name and look in him in the eye as he bags our fifth container of hand soap. Let's open our eyes to those children maybe near us who really depended on those free and reduced lunches and perhaps take a meal to someone. Let's try to see that with all the canceled sporting events and activities that we actually have extra time to play a game with our kids, go on a walk with our neighbor, or just read a book. In a world where the messages of "stock up, save yourself, and hold on tight" seem to penetrate our culture- lets be the people who live with hands wide open so that the Father can bless others through us. Let's be in the camp of the Kingdom- the camp of salt and light- the camp where we live with one foot planted firmly in eternity while still having one foot in this world. Let's be a people who show those around us that we really believe that nothing can separate us from the love of Christ.

I truly believe that during this little sliver in time- when the world feels like it is crumbling around us and our neighbors are consumed with worry and fear, that we have been given a gift to speak life and rest and peace into those around us- and we do that best not by our words but by our actions. So let's all take a deep breath, pray for those who are most at risk, try to make wise decisions, but lets do it all with our eyes turned outward and toward those God has chosen to place in our paths. In a world that feels dark and lost- by the grace of God- may our lives be salty and bright.

The good good truths that this is not our home!

I have been so weepy-so tearful- and this idea of the brevity of time has been so fresh in my thoughts that it feels as if it is being seared into my brain. I noticed it at the beginning of the summer- near the time my mom broke her hip. There was a lump that slowly appeared in my throat and really has yet to go away. It has been accompanied by a knot in my stomach and a sense of a somewhat distant sadness and deep longing to hang on tighter to the ones I love as things have come and gone this summer. We have been blessed to spend so much time together with the ones we love- both on trips and even just being in our homes- but each time as those moments of togetherness are nearing their end- that same feeling returns. Even now, as I sit here with my computer in my lap I can feel this feeling of what I can only describe as worn out and torn open. Worn with the sweet taste of love- the tiny glimpse of what Father must have meant by "heaven on earth".  I have been loved on by my kids and my family and grown to love them even more. I have loved so hard that I feel like the Velveteen Rabbit described as he was becoming "real". I feel torn open- both from the relapsing memories of how quickly time is passing and just how little I can do to slow it down. I think back to memories that felt as if they were happening yesterday and realize that my children were half a year younger...and those moments JUST happened!
Currently what is freshest on my mind is the soon to be "see you later" as we wave goodbye to part of our family and they board a plane for another country. We don't actually know when we will see them again but can say with certainty that it will probably be a few years. Years- that makes me swallow hard- years. Our children will be different humans the next time they hug each other- years.

There is usually a moment that happens during the summer-usually a moment that happens on a vacation (probably because my eyes are a bit more open during vacation to see the amazing things our kids are doing) but it is usually a moment that sticks with me. It is like a mental photograph I capture and then it is almost as if Holy Spirit uses it to speak to me over and over again. This moment happened a few weeks ago while we were in the mountains on a family trip. For lots of reasons this year's trip up to the mountains proved to be a more difficult week than in years past. We had made our trek down to the area playground and I found myself gazing and watching the children playing without giving much thought to anything. Suddenly- the laughter and booming squeals of our kiddos captured my attention and I looked up to see my son playing in a world fully submerged in his imagination while climbing and swinging and playing in a way he never had. There was no fear- no fear of falling- no fear of rejection- no fear of it coming to an end- no fear of the bumps and bruises that were just around the corner. He was shining brightly as though to say "I am a little image bearer of my maker" and through his adventure seeking and trusting childlike faith he caused his mama to catch her breath. Oh to be that free and that alive- oh to be a child.

Vacations are over, summer is winding down, and the next "thing" has yet to be planned. We are on the cusp of settling in for the new school year- which both ties us down and yet comes up empty. Mundane living is upon us- so what do we do? I know what my flesh wants to do- it is to plan the next thing, dig out the calendar and fill it up. My flesh pattern is to strive to fill in the gaps that are uneasy and unspoken for- but my spirit- my spirit longs for much more.

One evening, while sitting on the old rocking chair front porch of our house in the mountains, I chatted with family while holding back tears as I thought about the nearing of saying goodbye. As I sat there and rocked I could feel the heaviness of nerves and sadness weighing down on me like a thousand pounds. It felt crushing- almost hard to breathe. I felt the fear of what-ifs and I don't want to's. And then the sweet Holy Spirit came rushing over me and reminded me of the truth.

The truth- this is not our home. This is not heaven. This is not what our hearts long for- for what our hearts long for can only be found in Jesus. I can grasp at the ones I love, I can cling to the memories and moments that are dear, I can plan and fill my days until the brim of activities are spilling over, I can fill my calendar with more to do's to make more memories- ease the pain of goodbyes- make the weeks pass quicker- but you know what? None of this will satisfy. Jesus and only Jesus will satisfy for what our hearts long.

At the end of the day I will rest and trust. I will seek to be the child I saw on the playground this summer- full of wonder and adventure- free from fear. I will walk through our mundane and sometimes boring days with my hands as wide open as possible (and as best I can) and trust the Lord with how he has purposed my steps. As lovely as the memories are with the ones we love- I will fight to believe that what is to come- the place that Jesus has gone on before us to prepare- the glory that our eyes have yet to behold- will surpass my wildest dreams and that we will be more alive with Him than with anything this earth has to offer. For He is for us and we are a child of the living God- and that is something that warms the heart- even on the coldest days.

                     Full of wonder- full of life

  

 A true rocking chair front porch 

The desire of an itch on our 7th year of marriage

Seven years

Seven years since we looked one another eye to eye and made a promise both to each other and to God, to love, to hold, to cherish each other for as long as we are breathing this side of heaven. Seven years since we danced to a song that I can't recall, cut into a cake to which I do not remember the taste, and seven years since we dashed to our getaway car under an canopy of twinkling lights.

Today marks seven years of marriage for Chris and me. Year seven- the "hardest" year- the year of the "itch"- the year that can " break you".  A lot has taken place in our short little seven years of togetherness. New jobs, new houses, surgeries, babies, more surgeries, mental health illness, physical illness, financial stressors, and a lot more during the in-betweens.

Today, as I reflect on our marriage, I do so while sitting in yet another doctor's office. I sit and think while I receive an infusion treatment to what feels to be a last effort to treat an ever encroaching fatigue and unwell-ness that has been plaguing my body and effecting our marriage and family for quite some time now. I watch the tiny drops fall from the bag into the IV line and I am hopeful. Hopeful that this will help- that I will feel energy and have a vigor within my body that has been missing for so long. I hope with great expectation that this will magically repair all the damaged parts of my body and that I will be restored once again to that young bride who desperately longs for her husband. I watch and hope that my mind will finally be in place of lasting peace- a peace that overcomes fears and silences the evil one's voice. I long for rest- the kind of rest that restores the soul and empowers one to fight the good fight. 


As the bag empties out and the sweet nurse unhooks me, she asks me how I feel. My response- "fine". I feel just fine- as fine as I did when I walked in- as fine as I will probably feel for the remainder of the day. Nothing dramatic, nothing much different- other than the slight uneasy stomach and lightheadedness- neither of which are new. I am reminded that this treatment takes time. That these infusions are to be repeated weekly for a while and that it takes time to feel differently. I respond with an "okay". And it really is okay. For what I am longing cannot be found in the bag of an IV. For what I am longing cannot be found in more money, romance, children who are more obedient, a cleaner house, a deeper sleep, or anything the world has to offer. For what I am longing is something that is created and given by the creator and the giver.

I return home to two precious youngsters who are so eager to see me as I walk in the door and are just as frustrated with me within the same moment for taking away the television remote. I return home to a husband who is diligently working for our family so that those "financial stressors" I mentioned will be a little less of a stressor. I return home to laundry, dishes, and needs that are relentless and have to be met all the while remembering in the back of my mind that this is year seven.

We will go about our day as normal. We will fall into bed just as exhausted as the day before and we will awaken in our new year of marriage. It will not be a dreaded year. While it may be our toughest year (time will tell) it will not be the year that breaks us. But will it be a year of itch? To that I say a resounding YES!

I am itching now- yearning now- craving now- but not for another- not for a new romance- not for something different- I am itching for an ever deepening longing for my Savior. I itch for a closeness to Jesus that is unfathomable. I crave a peace that is unmatched and a faith that is unwavering. My heart aches for the things unseen- for the hope of Christ that has yet to be revealed- for what my eyes cannot imagine and what my heart cannot understand.

The trials of this life may hang around or they may go. They will and have surely come- but my hope is in Jesus-for He is the giver and sustainer of life both here and forever.

So as the day winds down- I will itch- I will itch to crawl even deeper into the lap of my Lord and learn to trust Him more and I will fall asleep while holding the hand of the one whom my heart loves as best it can- and by the grace of God we will plow into year seven and hold fast to the promises of our God.

And to my honey- I love you. Happiest of anniversaries.

Stickyfingers + Softhearts

There are tiny moments in this life. Moments that seem to pass as quickly as they come. Tiny moments filled by tiny humans that really are not tiny at all. Whether it is the soft whimper of a toddler boy after receiving an unfair and harsh word from his mama or the smear of pancake syrup down the glass patio door- these insignificant minutes all add up to very significant moments. As I reflect on the little person inside that toddler's body- that little soul- I realize just how soft is his heart. As I reflect on the messy glass door and the hands that need to be wiped-yet again- I realize just how remarkable are those sticky fingers. The heart of that boy is one that was woven, designed, and softened by the Father for such a time- so that His grace could be on display. Her little sticky fingers were created and imprinted with the image of the Father for a great and mighty purpose.

Lord Jesus, I am unworthy yet called, weak yet strong, ill-equipped yet perfected in these tiny moments. Help me to take advantage of the tender interactions with these children-for they are a gift and a privilege- sticky fingers and all.

Whelm of the Father

Whelm: act of heaping up abundantly (N)

              engulf of bury (V)

Overwhelm: drown beneath, defeat completely (V)

We often think of being overwhelmed as a negative, and great burden that we can't overcome. Too many asks, too many commitments, too many responsibilities, the end of our rope, the end of our strength, the end of our ability, the end of ourselves. 

I say yes, that is exactly what it is, but not in the way I have viewed it so many times before.

"I came to give you life and give it abundantly. I am the good Shepherd." 

He has defeated completely the enemy. He has drown me beneath his grace and consumed me with his love. He has used my struggles, my fears, and my weaknesses to reveal my need for Him and my need for his abundant grace, mercy, and life. Abundant life. 

We are not here to merely survive, to get through, to get by, but here to live, and live abundantly. We can receive that because he has overwhelmed us and he whelms us. 

The whelm of the Father is to heap up abundance on us: freedom, joy, peace, love....life. Life to the fullest, 'On Earth as it is in Heaven.'

"Come Lord Come, but until you do, continue to overwhelm me with you."